John says I'm hellbound
Let me start by saying I'm sorry for what I'm about to write. I'm not a horrible person by nature, but some things strike me as funny that may not exactly hit your funny bone. That said, I found out tonight that there are few things as funny to me as Medford karaoke. Mildly retarded Medford Karaoke. Let me start at the beginning and paint a beautiful tapestry for you to enjoy (or condemn me to the fiery pits of hell). I started work today about 350 miles and 13 hours ago. I was cruising Medford for some grub and happened upon a Round Table Pizza. Buffet night no less. As I walked in I was greeted by the mellifluous sounds of Anna, a fourteen year old soon to be superstar that treated us to a truly one of a kind version of My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion. Life changing. Next up we had Dan, whose version of Unchained Melody could either be called inspirational or unrecognizable. The best way I could explain it would be to show you a similar video, found here - http://my.break.com/content/view.aspx?ContentID=390446 That should give you some idea. Third on the list was Mike, who, despite his Anglo name seemed to speak no English, and sang a song in Spanish. It was not bad and no fun. Proper singing seems to ruin karaoke. Following Mike was another Dan who busted out a rockin' version of Don't Take Your Love to Town. Uh-may-ZING! Jeff came after Mike #2 with a beseeching rendition of Open Arms by Journey. At the end of his song no one clapped, as with most peoples' songs, but Jeff said "thank you" to the crowd as if we were treating him to a standing 'O'. Of the last five singers, only Dan with his Unchained Melody was "a little slow", but that, my friends, was about to change. Up to the "stage" came The Adventurers, a group consisting of a child of about ten that appeared to be terrified or excited, not really sure. Also in the group was a man and a woman that seemed to be about 35-40 and both looking different directions, neither one being at the crowd. This in retrospect could've been on purpose, like some sort of stage direction. It's not outside the realm of possibility if you consider they have a cool stage name, why not some moves. Rounding out the group was an old man that looked about 70 that was either leading the group or in it. Hard to tell since he wasn't singing, merely staring at us. After a smattering of applause they launched into a one of a kind version of Yellow Submarine. John and Paul would have been jealous. The last song I could take was some country song about "when I think about rain I think about singing", I'm not sure if the song was horrible on the radio, but the version I heard sure as hell was.
At this point I am chock full of pizza and can't take any more singing because it was killing me not being able to laugh out loud. I go outside to leave and the capper for the evening walked on by me. Anyone that has ever seen King of the Hill will know Cotton, Hank's dad. Cotton has no shins, they were blown off in the war. Like Cotton, a girl walked right by me that had no shins. I'm not kidding or exaggerating, she had little round shoes like upside down hats on her knees. On. Her. Knees! There is something in the water here, man.
posted by matt @ 8:41 PM
1 comments
